Ciao, 'tis Paramina. You know the drill: Final Fantasy VIII Walkthrough, Part 15, Disc Two, let's go.

Jailhouse Rock: RemixEdit

Mission: Escape D-District Prison


Black & Decker made a fortune on this one

We awaken this time as Zell, who apparently had a much less interesting dream than Squall and Irvine - he dreamt he was a janitor. Fabulous. Almost as good as "I dreamt I was a moron", but not quite. For once, Rinoa talks some sense and gives us useful information: we are in the D-District Prison, a Galbadian prison for political activists. Apparently trying to assassinate the Sorceress was a big no-no. This petite scene ends with Zell's worries about the safety of Irvine (though he still manages to be snide about it) and Squall, closing with a "(gulp)" reminiscent of Scooby-Doo.

Now Squall awakens in a cell that looks awfully similar to his dorm room back in Balamb, except this one has a toilet. He curses Seifer whilst a giant, mechanical arm removes his cell from the wall and hoists it up through the air.

Back with Zell's lot, a warden comes in and beats him around a bit with a nightstick. As much as I've been wanting to do that myself for the past hour or so, you have to pity him when he trembles on the floor whilst being repeatedly kicked. Rinoa gets a get-out-of-jail-free card and the rest of our team are left stranded.

Meanwhile, Squall is being interrogated by Seifer whilst a sadistic warden peers on. Squall is pinioned to the wall like he's on a crucifix, and everytime he doesn't respond, he gets electrocuted (not a good set-up for a guy whose main vocabulary consists of elipses.)

With Zell, choose "I'll stop him!" when the wardens start exacting animal abuse on a tiny red lion. Your enemy here is 'Mean Guy', and in a rather surprisingly bad-ass move, he goes to hit Zell and Zell calmly blocks the hit, before staying eerily silent. The 'Mean Guy' squabbles off in fear. Victory One!

Seifer wanders off from sheer boredom (beginning to wish I could do the same, but who's going to sit and press X-button to keep this snooze-fest moving?) and the warden takes over torture duties. If you pick "...I'll lie... I must live..." Squall will then delve into what is supposed to be mildly amusing. The humour is lost on me as 1) it's Squall and 2) the colour scheme of this screen alongside the draining cold grey of the talk boxes is so unbelievably dire.

Back to Zell et. al. in the cell. As everyone is unarmed except Zell, you'll be using him solo. So, I recommend you get up your Junction menu and shuffle things around so he can hold his own in a battle. Don't forget to switch magic stocks, too. Zell will swiftly take care of the guards and then you're free to roam the prison in search of the weaponry, with a Moomba for company. Head down one floor to find a Save Point, before heading back up two floors. Here, you'll see two guards standing watch over a nunchaku and a whip that are lying on the ground. They deserve to be taken out just for making it so easy - approach them to trigger a battle that will be over in moments (they're vulnerable to Sleep, I recommend you Draw it for the next battle, too). After this, you'll be returned to your cell and everyone is re-armed, which, for some reason, causes them to swell up in size to do a quick victory whip before returning to their normal state. Quickly shuffle around your Junctions for Zell, Quistis and Selphie, and be prepared for these guys again...

Boss Battle: Biggs and Wedge
G-Soldier FFVIII
Level Range: 1 - 22 | 1 - 22
HP: 1467 - 2235 | 1416 - 2139
Draw: Cure (or Cura), Haste, Slow, Regen | Fire (or Fira), Shell, Protect, Reflect
Card: No
Difficulty: Easy

Cast Sleep on them and Draw Cura, Regen, Haste and any other spells you're running low on. Once you've finished, you can Mug them for a Regen Ring and a Strength Love. If you're satisfied with your bounty from this fight, then end it with physicals, Draw/Cast Fira, or Boost Summoning GFs (Ifrit and Quezacotl, recommended).

After that battle peters out, make your way to the bottom floor of the prison in order to gain some Missable Items before rescuing Squall from his nap upstairs. It's easier to list what you can get and where if I put it in a table, so marvel at it below:

Floor 1st Room
(nearest the stairs)
2nd Room
(on the curve)
1st Save Point Combat King 001
2nd Pet Nametag Str Up
3rd Locked Pet House
4th Tent Locked
5th Locked Triple Triad Guy (500gil a game)
6th Locked Locked
7th The cell you were in Locked
8th Item Shop Locked
9th Locked Berserk Draw Point
10th Save Point Triple Triad Guy (300gil a game)*
11th Triple Triad Guy (200gil a game) Thundaga Draw Point
12th Locked Locked

* = If you win against this guy, he will update your Battle Meter.

With your plundering done, head up to the thirteenth floor, where you'll find yourself in the interrogation room Squall is pinioned in. Our hero will be taken down, and miraculously enough, he is alright. You regain control of him, so go over a speak to the Moombas for them to create shortcuts on floors or something... I never quite understood what that was about, you're fine just walking. Make to leave the thirteenth floor for more grey boxes and inane chatter from our motley bunch. Zell draws the short straw and has to stay behind to operate the machine arm. I fail to see the justice in this - surely someone else should stay with him so he can make it down okay? But no, our group are a selfish bunch who are looking out for one person and one person only: Numero Uno. Press X-button at the control panel to descend to freedom and leave Zell to his doom. Once you're down, head down the corridor and press X-button again at the dead-end. In an ironic, mwuahahaha, you selfish mo' fos move, turns out we're buried underground! Escape Plan 1 - foiled! Is that rapid gunfire I hear?!

D-District Prison 6

Close-up shot of a bath plug.

Back in control of Zell, you're being chased by Guards. Try to run away, but since Zell runs at the pace of a geriatric shuffling to the Co-Op in a windstorm, they'll catch up with you and trigger a battle. It's a bog standard battle, so end it quickly with a few physicals and Drawing. After this, Zell still doesn't seem to understand the urgency of the situation, so guide him at snails pace around the curve. As soon as he transitions to the next screen, all bad-assery he built up in here is quickly shot to nothing as he goes down at a tap on the head. Tsk tsk. Just as it's beginning to look bleak for Mr. Dincht, Squall leaps in from nowhere (alongside the soaring Enrique Iglesias 'Hero' soundtrack) and swipes the Guard out of the way. Zell gets a bit handsy - steady on, Harem Member #4 - and Squall is quite rightly embarrassed as Selphie arrives on scene and fuels some yaoi rumours, prompting Squall to quickly *facepalm*. Is that more rapid gunfire I hear?!

Bang! The gunfire stops as Irvine - making up for his lame moment in the Carousel Clock - swaggers on scene. Rinoa, as per usual, ruins everything by kicking him down the stairs! Honestly! Now how can you tell me she's not bratty? You don't kick people down stairs, especially not people carrying firearms, you just don't. She gets inexpicably orgasmic at the sight of Squall alive and the party splits once again into two: Squall's team, sadly, has to have Rinoa in it. I chose Zell to accompany them so Quistis could support Irvine's team. Squall disappears off whilst Irvine holds off the gunfire. Now Irvine has to ruin it by saying 'boogie' in a context other than taking the piss. Another unnecessary lame moment, Kinneas.

Squall's brigade are headed towards the 13F. Yeah. Back where you've just been. There's a lot of back-and-forth in the D-District. Steer your team up for the POV to change back down to Irvine's team on the 8F. This time you're heading them down, so steer them down to the 3F (remember there's a Save Point on the 6F if required) for another POV switch. As Squall's team on the 13F, stop to talk to two Moombas, to get a free Rename Card and a Cottage, before then taking the stairs up to the 14F. Keep transitioning until you reach a Control Room. Make sure your Junctions are suffice, as you've got a battle coming up. It's a mechanical one, so make sure Squall has Thunder Junctioned to Elem-Atk-J. Exit to find yourself in fresh air. Freedom!
"Prisoners may not go beyond this point. You will be terminated."

Maybe not, then.
Boss Battle: Elite Soldier and GIM-52A (x2)
G-Soldier FFVIII
Level Range: 1- 70 | 1 - 70
HP: 45 - 2260 | 1431 - 10850
Draw: Fira, Thundara, Blizzara, Scan (lvl 30+: ~aga magics and Dispel) | Haste, Slow, Dispel (lvl 30+: Dispel)
Card: No
Difficulty: Easy

*Sigh*, another glorified Battle Event. First things first, focus on eliminating the Elite Soldier to prevent him casting Aura on the GIM-52As. If you're a touch on the slow side and let him cast Aura (which increases the physical damage they'll shell out on you), then Dispel it from your Stocks or by Drawing. Once he's out of the way, focus your thunder physicals and Boosted Quezacotl Summons on the two machines. Don't hesitate to stock a member of your team with just Thundara/Thundaga spells if their physicals are particularly weak and they're not Summoning Quezacotl. If you're feeling thuggish, you can mug the Soldier for a Tent and the GIM-52As for Missiles, which teach Quistis Micro Missiles, a relatively useful Blue Magic. Throw out the thunder and this fight will be over in no time. For winning you'll be rewarded 8 Screws. Whoop whoop?

After the commotion dies down, Irvine's voice comes across the intercom and summons Squall to operate the Arm to let the rest of your team up. As the machine seems to be taking it's time, you head outside to find yourself on top of a giant drill. A scene starts where you see Rinoa and your other party member appear on the other side of the bridge, yet Squall seems to have decided to stop in the middle to admire the scenery (...). Just as he does so, the drill goes nuts and starts sinking into the ground. Now pay attention! As soon as Rinoa yelps "Squall!!! Hold on! Over here! Hurry!" press your 'right' button to have Squall cross the bridge. If you mess this up and stop or let go, you will get a GAME OVER.

With that escape over, you'll reconvene at a cross-roads. Use the Aero Draw Point and talk to Selphie to learn that Galbadia is firing missiles at Balamb Garden and Trabia Garden (where?). "Oh noes." The party will again split into two teams: one to warn Cid in Balamb, the other to try and stop the explosion. For some reason, it is decided Selphie will be the one in charge of infiltrating the missile base (*facepalm*). I recommend having your preferred team go with Squall (Quistis and Irvine) as you'll be using them a lot more than Selphie's squad.

With Squall's team, you'll be able to play highway man and steal a train. A pathetic man chases after it long enough to floor it and eat sand as we chunder away. To Balamb!

→ Ba-damn it.
← "You've changed, Laguna."
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