Howdy Space Monkies, BlueHighwind here. I got nothing really interesting to say on this intro so how about some random key strokes: aghsdklsfhsdfklsdhgkldsnvnii848iklsddfksioowy89489jdsdfjk.
Midgar Zolom!! AHHHHHH!!!
Now, why did I tell you to grab a Chocobo and all that? Seems that you can just walk through the white swamp. Well, you'll see that the swamp is filled with long grey snake-shadows. If you try to run through, these shadows will attack. This begins the nightmare that is... MIDGAR ZOLOM!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I can't seem to stop screaming whenever I say that name... Weird. This monster makes Hell House look like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. It's that horrible.
Midgar Zolom (AHHHHHHHH!!!), is not a Boss, but it's certainly hard enough to be one, and then some. It is almost impossible to beat, so you need to ride a Chocobo to move fast enough to get around it. Even then, there's a good chance that a Midgar Zolom (AHHHHHHHHH!!!) will still catch you, so you probably want to Save before making the charge. Find the spot closest to the cave at the other side of the marsh, check to see if there are any Midgar Zoloms (AHHHHHHHHH!!!) right in front of you, then run for your fucking life until you reach the other side. That's the only sane way across. There is an insane way, one that I personally have never done, but Drake has. Perhaps you may want to consult his Walkthrough on the subject. Here's how I managed to pull off my best attempt:
I fucking hate the Midar Zolom (AHHHHHH!!!). I really do. Just to win, you need three characters are probably over-leveled for this portion of the game, like at level 20. Then you need to be able to heal very quickly in a pinch, and survive a brutal attack called "Beta". But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Midgar Zolom's (AHHHHH!!) regular attack is strong enough to fully charge a Limit Break. Are you scared yet? Then, once you've given it about 1000 - 2000 damage, it will be able to kick a party member completely out of the battle. They aren't dead so you can't revive them. They're just gone. Later on, the Midgar Zolom (AHHHH!!) will kick another character out too. Usually the ones that go are your best damage dealers, so this can be very bad. Then, once you've gotten it down to the last 1000 of HP, Midgar Zolom (AHHHH!!) uses that "Beta" spell I told you about. At your levels, it can kill an entire party with a single hit. Easy. Just to even have a chance to survive you need to equip an Elemental Materia and join it with a Fire Materia. That will half the damage. But if the bastard kicks out the character with Elemental + Fire combo, or that guy is missing a single drop of HP, the battle is over.
To win, you need to use "Bio", and pray it gets Poisoned. That's 100 damage every few seconds, so now all you have to do is survive long enough for the Midgar Zolom (AHHHH!!) to break down and die on it's own. Then heal constantly and only attack when you get a chance. Aeris is great just for her Healing Wind Limit Break. You could also use Barret's Mindblow Limit Break to target the snake's 248 MP so it can't use "Beta". However, the only reason you would ever want to fight the Midgar Zolom (AHHHH!!) is to learn "Beta". Yup, that's an Enemy Skill right there, and a great one. But you need to survive to learn it. I'm too frightened to go through the difficult task, but can you do it?
Even if you manage to beat the monster, the swamp is filled with Midgar Zoloms (AHHHH!!). So you simply cannot go on foot. You might kill one, but the next one is certain to get you. Train the Chocobo, and move through the swamp the safe way.
Once you pass through the swamp, you'll see a very short scene of the party marveling over the corpse of a Midgar Zolom (a--, hey, I'm cured! The sight of the corpse must have healed me!) impaled through a bloody tree trunk. Sephiroth, in all his benevolent glory, killed a Midgar Zolom just for the fun of it. He's not a bad guy! If he gets rid of vermin such as those creatures, he must have good someplace on the inside. Or maybe not, he might just be out for kicks and giggles, just like me.
You have to dismount your Chocobo now. Say "bye bye" to the bird, and continue on your journey. We're going into the cave. Get over your fears of dark places and jump into the dungeon.
The Mythril Mines are a short little dungeon, only a few screens thick, and those are pretty short. You could get through this easily, but first we need to grab some items and things. Go East to find a dead-end room with two pieces of treasure on a little hill. There's an Ether on the right, and a Tent at the top. As you walk back, climb up the vines to reach a cliff. Here is a cute little pink ball that is the Long Range Materia. If equipped, it makes all characters be capable of Long Range attacks, like Barret with his weapons. I say put it on somebody who needs the extra defense by going into the back-row. You'll definitely need this Materia for our next boss.
Oh, and I forgot to mention enemies. Silly me. They're weak, mostly. You can learn the "Flamethrower" Enemy Skill from the Ark Dragon. It's the weakest of the Enemy Skills learned in Final Fantasy VII, just "Fire", only slightly stronger. You could actually miss it without losing anything. Speaking of Ark Dragons, you can Steal Ethers from them, just in case you might be running low on the MP-restoring supplies. The Madouge is holding a Grand Glove, Steal it. It's a nice little weapon for Tifa, making that Mythril Claw you just bought at Kalm a bit useless.
Continuing where I left off, go back to the first room. Head down at the fork, then right to a Chest in a dead-end. This is a Mind Source. Now go West and leave this room behind. Look, it's the Turks! Hi, Turks! Reno is bedridden after that asswhooping we gave him back at Sector 7, so they have a new member, Elena. Is there anything sexier then a woman in a suit and tie? Yes, a woman out of a suit and tie, with nothing else on, but a woman in a man's suit is still pretty sexy. And I really don't want to analyze what I find appealing in that. Back on topic, Tseng tells us to stop bothering in Shinra affairs and go home. But they also drop a hink that Sephiroth is in Junon. They won't fight. If they didn't want us to continue on our journey, why did they tell us where to go next?
Go North to a room at the top. There's a chest here with an Elixir, and a blue Hi-Potion on the right. Go back to the last room and climb up the vines on the right to reach the cliffs where Tseng was standing. Run to the light to reach the end of the Mythril Mines. Well, that was a short dungeon.
Before going North to Junon, head South to a large fortress with a big Condor at the top. This is a colony of Hippies out to save the condor species from extinction. They do this by violently fighting the forces of Shinra. I couldn't give either a rat's ass or a shit about the condors, but I do like a free Inn and some Materia shops. Tell the Hippies that you're interested in their Hippy bullshit, and once you're inside the fort, use the beds for a rest and buy at their shops. DON'T actually play the minigame. It's a terrible attempt at a Real Time Strategy game best decribed as Command & Conquer gone retarded. Boy, I wish Square realized from this minigame that they can't do RTS's, or they wouldn't have tried again with Revenant Wings. It also costs 4000 Gil to play, which is a total waste of money. Even if you want to get all the many prizes from this game (none are unique or interesting), you have to keep on going back to Ft. Condor throughout the entire game. And from what I hear, the game is filled with glitches. Sometimes you don't get any items for winning a battle. Not worth the effort in the slightest.
Moving on, head North to that Junon place the Turks were talking about. But on your way, you'll see large patches of green fluff. These are supposed to be forests, I think. The forests hold two enemies. One is an annoying Korok-looking motherfucker called a Capparwire, which always span in groups of five and get on my nerves. The other is a human girl. This is Yuffie, an optional playable character that will randomly appear in any forest on the World Map. She's worth recruiting now just for the next Boss Battle. Her HP is about equal to those of your party members, so she's very easy to kill. But she won't "Die", die, that's against the rules. No human character can die in battle. Instead, a scene will play.
Yuffie is a little runt, and so will run away if you answer any of her questions the wrong way, or if you try to use that Save Point. If you answer all of them right, she'll join the party. She's also a character that Cloud can fall in love with, and each right answer makes her love you more. Remember, if you get one wrong, she'll make you sorry for it. Don't get them wrong. The answers are as so:
- When she asks if you want to fight again, say: "Not interested".
- Then she'll question your manhood and accuse you of being scared, humor her with: ".....petrified".
- Yuffie will start to leave, make her stay: "Wait a second!".
- She'll ask if you want her help, you do so say: ".....That's right".
- Finally, when she agrees to join, say: ".....Let's hurry on".
You now can name the new member of the party.
|Playable Character: Yuffie|
Yuffie Kisaragi, everybody's favorite character. Right? Don't you just love Yuffie? I can't get enough of her cute spunkiness and her adorable additude. Yup, there is nothing annoying, obnoxious, bratty, whiny, or anything else upleasent with this girl. And people who like her are not sick lolicon perverts who will one day find themselves going door-to-door at their new neighborhood explaining how, according to the terms of their porole, they must tell they did ten years for exposing themselves to an eight-year-old. No way!
Okay, I am physically incapible of being any more sarcastic without shoving my own head down my ass. I hate Yuffie and every character who reminds me of her: Krile Mayer Baldesion, Relm, Selphie, Eiko, and worst because she has a voice Rikku. This is a repulsive bubblegum character type that I am very glad ended in FFXII. And Yuffie aint a Ninja neither. Ninjas are cool and stealthy an badass. Yuffie is lame and loud and stupid, just like Naruto.
As a playable character, Yuffie is un-special. She's a physical attacker, and her Limit Breaks are unremarkable. Like Barret Wallace, her attacks are automatically long-range. Unlike Barret, she sucks, so I see little reason to use her beyond the very next Boss Fight.