There are three types of people in this world. Idealists, who steadfastly stand according to their principles and never compromise their rigid set of morals. Opportunists, who will break any rule or code for personal gain. And then there are people who just act upon any whim that enters their heads. This walkthrough is the result of a whim that entered my, BlueHighwind's, head.
Wall Market (Continued)[]
And we're back. Head d0wn t0 the Restaurant at the center 0f the l0wer screen. The waitress tells y0u t0 sit d0wn wherever y0u like, but there's 0nly 0ne empty seat. Sit there and 0rder any 0f the three items f0r 70 Gil that y0u can part with without any emotional distress. Afterwards, Cloud will eat some imaginary food. Compliment the cook by saying a tepid "It was all right" to receive the Pharmacy Coupon. Now head over to the Pharmacy, the building just below the Restaurant, to cash it. Get a Digestive. Then head up to the Bar to find a man holding himself just outside the restroom. Some girl has been in there a long while, and unless we do something, that guy is going to have an accident right on the floor. Barge in and ignore her objections to give her the Digestive. For solving this problem we have built up a little good Karma and get the Sexy Cologne.
Next up is a Tiara, because we need to be as tacky as possible it seems. Go to the Northeast building in the lower area and talk to the guy lounging on the job. He wants to give Cloud a man to man talk, something so important that Aeris needs to separate herself from her physical fusion from Cloud just for secrecy. Weirdly, all he wants you to do is just find out what the Vending Machine in the Inn sells. Now why did Aeris have to turn around for that? Agree to go, then head to the Inn. You can't do anything to the Vending Machine right now, instead you have to stay here for 10 Gil. During the night, you automatically use the Vending Machine. Buy the 200 Gil one, and then return to the odd fellow. He'll give you a Diamond Tiara. If you buy a lesser item, you get a lesser Tiara.
Finally, we need to go to the Honey Bee Inn. First talk to the man in the Southeast corner of the lower area to get a Member's Card to the den of iniquity. Cloud will have to go it alone inside the Inn. A woman who keeps calling you "poo" (???) will lead you in. Before talking to her, first head to the top right room, the "Lover's Room" and take a peak. You'll see some kind sick incest thing going on between somebody and their Grandparents. If you take a peek into the room just below it, something even weirder will happen. Two men will be complaining about the sick fetishes of President Shinra, while a dark theme plays in the background. Some weird text appears in the center of screen and it seems to be talking about Sephiroth or somebody equally evil.
Now we have to choose a room on the left to stay. Either take - and I swear to God this is the name - the &$#% Room (also known as the "FUCK" Room at all places not limited by censorship) at the top or the Group Room at the bottom. Entering the top room will cause Cloud to have a crazy psycho freak out when his subconscious attacks him for being in a place like this. When he awakes a big very gay man molests Cloud, oddly restoring his HP and MP. The other room causes Cloud to fall into a giant gay gang bang. Neither choice gives you anything better than the other item. Before leaving the Honey Bee Inn, go up through the top room to find a bunch of strippers who are dressed as Honey Bees (what a coincidence that they would dress as bees in the Honey Bee Inn). Bug them repeatedly until they finally put Makeup on Cloud.
With that all done, we have now found all the items and are a shoe-in for being chosen by the Don. Head to the Clothing Shop to change into your pretty new cloths. Wow Cloud, I never knew you had an hour-glass figure! Actually, the results just make Cloud look like he's a peasant in Maoist China (who ever liked pigtails?). Aeris changes into a sexy red evening gown. Save and run up to Corneo's Mansion for the big finish. Once inside, go up the stairs and through the left door to find a sadomasochistic basement where Tifa will be in an ultra-sexy, oh-my-God-my-mind-was-just-blown blue dress. Cloud's two girlfriends share a moment of "bitch, he's mine, don't come any closer or I'm claw your fucking whore eyes out" before moving on. Before you go back upstairs grab the Ether in the left corner.
Now its time for the big moment. Who will Don Corneo pick? Aeris, Tifa, or She-Cloud? If you followed my advise, it will be She-Cloud. Avoid the Don's sickening advances while you go around the bed to find a hidden Hyper. You can be as forward with the Don or as avoiding as you want. If you try to avoid him, at one point you can claim that Barret is your boyfriend. That makes Barret like Cloud a lot more. However, before anything gross happens, Tifa and Aeris will pop and threaten castration. Fearing the loss of his favorite organs, the Don spills everything. He has lead Shinra to AVALANCHE headquarters. Turns out that Shinra has taken the very reasonable response of DROPPING THE FUCKING PLATE ONTO SECTOR 7. But before we can go save the town, the Don pulls his final trick into play. He drops us into the sewer. Yuck!
Midgar Sewers[]
Meanwhile...
President Shinra meets with his evil executives at his evil office in his evil building to do evil and very not good, bad things. Heidegger, now completely free of all that silly Existentialism and his first name, is all for the plan, giving his trademark laugh in approval. Reeve, however, is less into it. Thus he gets made fun of and leaves. Once both the dudes leave, President Shinra, talking to himself, mentions how he's going to pin all this wanton destruction on AVALANCHE. Doesn't he know that Barret only loves explosions if he sets the charges?
Back with our party, who have mysteriously reverted to their normal cloths, they have landed safely in the sewers. You can now equip Tifa will new equipment. Give her a Fire Materia. Go up and talk to the girl who you like best first, then a Boss Fight will strike:
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Strategy: Aps is weak to "Fire" spells, which is why I told you to give Tifa a Fire Materia. There she can lay a blaze of hellfire down upon this hideous freak. Aeris should "Cure" as usual, and Cloud is your attacker. Don't worry about running out of MP. Aps does not have many attacks, in fact he only seems to have two, one is just a normal attack. "Sewer Tsunami" creates a mountain of sludge water and hits everything in the battle. It actually hits him for about 150 HP, significantly more than your party. Later on, the attack will go the other way, hitting you more than him. He might manage to use this attack one more time before dying. It won't change anything, this fight is very easy. | ||||||||||||||||||
After that battle you may have an MP shortage. Switch your attack Materia to somebody who has MP to spare (Cloud). Use Potions for healing. This is the start of a long series of enemy areas. Luckily, there are plenty of Save Points where you can use Tents to restore your party to fighting fit.
Now we can roam free around these sewers. The enemies here are all weak to "Bolt", keep that in mind. First go up the bottom stairs and go around to find a Potion. Then return to the landing point and go up a ladder. Head up, then go down a ladder to return to the sludge river. Go accross and go up the stairs. Here you'll find a yellow Materia, Steal on the ground. This is the first Materia that gives you a new skill, in this case Steal. Stealing allows you to take an item from your enemy. In many cases, some Items can only be found by Stealing them. Later this command turns into Mug, which combines a normal attack with Steal, which is so totally excellent my head might explode. Run up and jump down. In the next room, just go down the stairs then cross over to the other side on the left-most part. Go up the ladder to leave this smelly place.
Train Graveyard[]
Train Graveyard
This next area is longer, more difficult, and more complicated than the sewers. But never fear my Space Monkies, its nothing you need worry your little heads off. The enemies here no longer have that weakness to "Bolt", so don't bother. In fact, they have some spells of their own, which needs to be watched out for. The area is large maze that will require you to move up and down on the tops of abandoned ruins of train cars. Before going anywhere, use the Save Point and use a Tent if you're really in dire need of MP. Then begin your trek across the Graveyard.
First off, run through the metal husk of a train in front of you to reach an area with barrels in the center. If you examine the tops of them, you'll find a Hi-Potion. Return to the Save Point, and this time climb up the ladder below the train to run on top of it. As you go North, grab the Hi-Potion then jump onto the ruined metal structure. Now go up to find more barrels. If you examine these, you'll find a secret Echo Screen. Run Southeast and go underneath the metal structure to see another train you can enter. Go inside and head South, grabbing the Potion along the way until you can run out the right side. Go up the ladder and go on top of the Easternmost train, then go down the very next one. From here it's a straight path North, enter the train, leave the train, grab the Potion and leave the area.
In this area, there is the enemy Eligor, a feaky cyborg centaur (FFVII has the best enemy designs). It mainly uses attacks like "Sleepel" and "Silence" to give negative status effects. You can live with Sleep, Silence is more annoying. It also has a lot of HP, but rather weak attacks. The only reason I point this out is because you should definitely Steal from it to get the Striking Staff, a stronger weapon for Aeris. One thing I failed to properly focus upon in my last version was Stealing, this time around I am not making that same mistake. There are also Ghosts here that become invisible and invincible once you hit them. All you have to do is be patient and attack once they pop up. It's Wack-a-Ghost!
Head up around the train on your left side and go down to find a shiny thing: a Potion. Now go up and around the next bit of junk to find another barrel. Examine it to find an Ether. Go all the way right until you see two trains that are not parts of the flat background. You can tell because you can see the pixels on them. You have to move these things out of the way to get through. Enter the right one and make it run left so it's backside enters the screen. It may have only moved ten feet, but you can't run outside of the screen for no reason. Run around it, then enter the move able train all the way in the top right and put it reverse. Then climb up the ladder of the background train, grab the Hi-Potion and hop across to the train you just moved. Run West across a few trains and metal things until you can climb down a ladder. From here, you can just go West two screens until you reach Sector 7, and the battle music plays.
Sector 7 (Again)[]
The economic and social power keg that is the Midgar Slums has finally erupted into all-out warfare. AVALANCHE is fighting with Shinra to save the poor citizens of Sector 7 from having the sky fall on them. Haven't they suffered enough? Up there goes Biggs or Wedge (I always got those dudes confused). As he lands, Biggs or Wedge congratulates you on remembering his name. Uh... thanks, Biggs(??). Then he dies. Your party now breaks up, as Aeris leaves to go rescue little Marlene. Cloud and Tifa now have to go climb the Pillar to save Barret and everybody else.
You can now use the Save Point just below the stairs, which are now open for you to explore. There's a man here who sells Potions and other items if you're in short supply. Now we march up the pillar! The only enemy here is the Aero Combatant, who is entirely mediocre and uninteresting (though it's sprite is kinda cool). Head up around the repetitive stairways until you reach the top. Along the way, you'll meet Biggs or Wedge (the one who didn't just die), who promptly dies. Jessie is also here, but she is mortally wounded as well. You can be a dick or supportive with her in her last moments.
Huh, three deaths in two minutes. FFVII just equaled FFVIII's pitiful death count at the end of the game! Count 'em: President Deling, Sorceress Adel, and that bitch, Ultimecia. Three total. HA-HA! FFVIII sucks! I love saying that every once in a while.
When you reach the top, Barret joins the party. You can now equip yourself until the enemy arrives with a Boss Fight. Obviously you want to give Barret some new weapons, armor, and Materia (it really doesn't matter which ones), hit 
to continue the plot. In comes a Shinra B1B type Helicopter carrying Reno, our Turk friend. He pushed the Self-Destruct button, and so dooms us all. We could push the stop it to save Sector 7 but as Reno says: "No one get in the way of Reno and the Turks". (Why am I so critical? On this page alone, I probably made three much worse grammar errors.) So it's Boss Battle Time:
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Strategy: Reno is our very first human Boss. However, as you'll soon see, you can't kill humans (well, named humans at least) in Boss Battles. They just get to run away at the end or die afterwards in an unrelated event. In this case he pretends he has to be somewhere and runs off with piss running down his legs. Reno has a Lightning-affinity and uses Lightning attacks. So don't use "Bolt" because it's weakened. His most effective attack is "Pyramid". It creates a yellow pyramid-shaped field around one character that causes them to be incapable of acting. Simply attack it with a physical attack to kill the it. That thing actually gives some AP, weirdly. Other than that, and the required healing, this fight is pretty much attack until he's out. Simple as that. Oh, and Reno seems to avoid attacking Tifa. Does he have a little crush? I understand, man. I understand completely. | ||||||||||||||||||
As Reno runs off the helicopter, he brushes past Tifa (coping a feel in my unstable mind) and is outta there. Cloud tries to disable the bomb, but soon finds it's impossible. In flies Tseng, who tells us that "it will blow the second some stupid jerk touches it". Well, I'm in the clear. A jerk I may be, but stupid I am not. Barret tries shooting, but Tseng has a suprise guest: Aeris. Leave her alone for a second and she manages to get herself all good and kidnapped. Perfect. And there blows the Plate. Excellent. This is turning into a wonderful day, isn't it?
Our party manages to escape on a highly convenient wire cable to swing out of Sector 7 just before everything goes to Hell. We then cut to President Shinra, watching the death of thousands below as his own personal opera plays. How exquisitely evvviiilll. If only he had a fine glass of wine and a handlebar mustache to twirl it would have been perfect.