Last time, our mighty hero Link, er, Benjamin, was on a quest to save the land of Hyrule, er, Aquaria, from becoming a frozen wasteland without the power of the Triforce, er, Crystal of Water...
The Dark Pyramid. Oops, I mean Ice Pyramid[]
Ok, in this dungeon the monsters are invisible, and can’t be seen without the Magic Mirror. Personally I like not seeing them, it gives the illusion of random encounters. But we’ll get the Mirror anyway. Go up and use the sword to hit the switch on the statue. Grrrrrr….insert cheap Zelda joke here. Go right, down, all the way right, and up to a narrow passage. Here, although you won’t see them, is a Desert Hag and a Lamia. Behind them lies the mirror. You know, there’s another, far superior Super NES game with a Pyramid and a Magic Mirror featuring a sword-wielding hero fighting for a bunch of magic Crystals...
Go to the entrance and left for two chests with Arrows and a trio of Refreshers. Take the middle path up to a Mage and a Desert Hage guarding a flight of stairs. Wallop the Phanquid and swipe the Heal potions behind him. Go back down the stairs and take the left path up to a 4-way fork with a Desert Hag and a Lamia guarding two of the paths. I’ll give the programmers this much, they designed one hell of a confusing dungeon here. Go take the path to the upper-left, and fight your way down to another staircase.
Up here, poke the statue for a chest with some Arrows, then fight your way to the right. Along the way you meet the new Stoney Roost and Sphinx enemies. Cook them like the Christmas goose. By now you’ve realized that every enemy in this game pretty much has a normal attack with the occasional elemental or status attack. It’s a testament to how lousy this game is, the battle system can be explained entirely in less than a paragraph. Up the stairs on the right are two chests guarded by enemies, including the new Gather enemy and Snow Crab’s reincarnation, Freezer Crab. The chests have Arrows and Heal Potions. Downstairs and further right, more Arrows.
Go all the way back to the first floor, to the 4-way fork. Take the upper-right passage to the stairs up. Up in this small area are more Arrows. Go to the fork and take the lower-right passage to more stairs. Kill the Lamia and go through a hidden passage for Arrows. Now back downstairs and to the fork. Take the middle right path down and through a U-turn. Up the stairs, go down and flip the switch in the statue for yet another bundle of Arrows. Then fight your way left to the next set of stairs up.
Deeper into the Ice Cavern. Oops, I mean Ice Pyramid[]
On the third floor now, fight your way right for two chests, containing, you guessed it – Arrows! Take this route to a statue switch and flick it. Now all the way left and down a zig-zagging passage. Go up for a small area with Bombs and Explosives. From there on it’s a linear path right, up and left to the next floor. Up here you can see a blocked off area with a red chest. We’ll get to that shortly. Walk to the left and around to the lower-right. Go up the stairs, walk right a few squares, then up to jump off the platform and land in the closed-off room below. In here the red chest has Noble Armor for you – it protects against Poison and Water. Slaughter the enemies and loot the chests for treasure. Then hit the statue switch in the upper-left to open the way out.
Back up again. To the left are two chests with Explosives. Then go to the right, careful not to fall down. In the center, take the left path to some more chests behind ice walls, and hop down to some Cure potions. Go back to the forth and take the upper path to some Explosives. Then back to the fork and bomb the center tile. Drop down, all the way down, to the first floor. Flick the switch and drop into the basement.
Fight your way out of the mess of enemies, and open the red chest to claim your shiny new Knight Sword. Go up and climb up to the boss…who teleports away. Wimp. Go to the lower-right and do under the ice. Head to the upper-left and go through the door. Climb up the wall and find yourself back where the fall began. Hit the switch to reveal the chests – they’re only Arrows, going all the way back isn’t worth it. Now go up and over the zig-zag path to find the boss again. And this time he’s not running.
Yet Another Pointless Boss[]
Ice Golem can hit for over 200 damage, and can use Snowstorm to hit for 150 to you and heal himself for 150. But that’s about all there is to know. He’s weak to Fire, so melt him with Fire and Thunder spells. Normal attacks also work well. Once the Golem is a puddle, you get another fancy-schmancy Crystal restored sequence. Claim the River Coin from the chest and head back to Aquaria.
Buy Explosives and rest, then head into the water and walk under Phoebe’s house. Follow the uselessly long path down and talk to Spencer. He’ll do some plot-dumping about Mac, the Prophecy and a Shield. And considering how weak this game’s plot is, the fact it needs to be dumped on us by one person is the icing on the crap-cake. Take the Venus Key. Now its all the way back to the Focus Tower. Ascend the plateau west of Aquaria for an alternate entrance, ignore the Battlefields on the way. We'll come back for them soon.
Go down the stairs and talk to the old man for more pointless plot dumping. Bomb the wall and claim the Venus Shield. Then push the statue down and against the block, then claim the Blizzard spell from the chest nearby. Now leave the tower and go enter it from the lower entrance. Go down a floor, open the Water door and go up. Hop down across the statue and go left to leave the tower in the Fire region. Next stop, Fireburg, and more random plot dumping and pointless ally recruiting.
More Non-Sensical Half-Assed Plot[]
Ok, head to the upper-right house in Fireburg and talk to the guy to recruit him. He’s Reuben. He’s armed with a Morning Star, but the game refers to it as an Axe weapon. WTF? Look at the thing, does that look like an Axe to you? A morning star is a spiked ball on a chain, it is not in any way, shape or form, an axe. Go down to the lower-right house and buy the Battle Axe for 500 GP. At 115 attack power it’s your best weapon to date.
Head to the upper-left huse marked Hotel. Talk to Tristan at the bar for a key. You can rest and buy Seeds here, too – buy as many as you can. Then climb down the pit in the middle town. In the house here you get the Mega Grenade – it has 162 attack power, and unlike previous bombs, you throw it. Whatever. Head all the way back to Aquaria.
Now we’re gonna loot the Battefields. The left one has Gathers and Freezer Crabs, and holds 744 GP. The right Battlefield has Phanquids and Sphinexes guarding the Exit spell. BTW, why is the left Battlefield on an ice field, and the right on a grass field? It makes no sense at all. Then again, what in this game does make sense? Head back to Fireburg and loot the three Battlefields on the way there. The first one has Jellies and 900 GP. The second had Jellies, Sting Rats, and the Gemini Crest to activate Gemini warp panels. The third has Plant Men and approximately 800 Exp. To the left of Fireburg, the first Battlefield has Plant Men, Flammizards, and they guard 1200 GP. The next Battlefield has Red Caps and Flammizards, and holds the mighty Thunder spell. Finally, advance to the Mine.
Workin' deep in the MI-nes...[]
Sorry, that's a line of a song in a far superior Super NES RPG game. This game wishes it could be half the game that game is. Maybe I'll write a walkthrough for it someday, but for now I'm stuck with this piece of crap.
Head up the conveyor belt to meet Red Bone and Zombie. In the cave here are enemies guarding Cure and Heal potions. Whack them and go outside again. Ride the conveyor belt right and hop into the bucket to go down. Blast the cave door and go inside. In the back is a shiny new Charm Claw for you. It’s only got 97 attack power, but inflicts a slew of status ailments on enemies. Now leave the cave and ride the conveyor belt down. Head down and enter the cave. Fight your way through for some Mega Grenades, then climb the wall outside. You should be back near the entrance. Ride the conveyor belts down, then right. Climb the wall to the right, and ride the conveyor belt up. Keep going up, and hop a belt to the right. Go down to find the boss.
Jinn is a pretty potent boss, the first to kill me as a matter of fact. Fortunately, I get to “try again” and start the battle over. God this is crap, you don’t just get a chance to fight a boss again in FF games, you start at the last Save Points and fight your way back to them! ARG! Jinn can hit for over 300 damage, and Flame Pillar does 100 to Reuben and 300 to you, so keep the Cures up – unfortunately, Reuben doesn’t know Cure, he only knows Life. Bombard Jinn with Mega Grenades and Morning Star shots, and he should go down. Thunder spells also work well. Blizzard was surprisingly weak, though.
Through the cave, grab some stuff, then head to the edge. Reuben will chuck a Grenade and move the boulder. On the World Map, the boulder is the size of the Volcano, how is one measly Grenade – which doesn’t even hit the thing, BTW – supposed to move it? Well, it moves it. And Reuben is able to chuck a Grenade even if you're all out of them. How do I know this? I just spent a minute with the Turbo on firing Grenades to see how the scene went. This game sucks so much I have to make it fun. This little glitch is the most fun I'm had with the game since I originally sold it years ago.
Head back to Fireburg and rest up, then talk to Reuben’s dad in his house. Seems the Crystal of Fire is in the Lava Dome. BTW, I just remembered that when you rest, you do some lame-ass posing. Okay, serious question, is there a way this game could possibly suck more? Every time I turn around there's something else to hate. Could it possibly suck worse than it already does? The answer is no, no, it could not possibly suck more, it at the peak of suckiness and is a beacon to sucky games everywhere. Mystic Quest, I crown you King Sucky of Suckdom...okay, I'm done.
Immature insults aside, go to the world map and head to the Volcano, stopping at the Battlefield on the way. The Red Bones and Zombies are no match for you, and neither are the new Ghost enemies. They’ll yield 1200 Exp upon defeat. Now then, on to the Volcano.